The Airing of Grievances
"Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with The Airing of Grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people and now you're gonna hear about it!"
This is the part where I tell members of the Bruins how they have disappointed me in the past year.
The '08-'09 Team
You bastards spend all year looking like contenders. You made us all think that maybe this year would be the year that Lord Stanley would come to The Hub. Then you ran into an inferior team that figured out all they had to do to beat you guys was forecheck. You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe... I lost my train of thought.
You're too small to be a physical defenseman and you're not skilled enough to be a puck-mover. What do you bring to this team...besides a global consciousness?
Stop (allegedly) punching walls. You see that shadow creeping up on you? That's a small Finnish lad looking to steal your job. You can't afford to be doing stupid things.
The Power Play
My readers tell me you stink!
Stay healthy damn it! This team is so much better with you in the lineup.
OK, we get it. You are a real hockey player. You're more than just an enforcer, but there has been something missing the past few games. Drop those mittens and throw some haymakers!
Who is that guy out there wearing #6 for the Black & Gold? It certainly isn't the guy we saw last year. Right now you are just some guy in a Gord Kluzak jersey.
The Jacobs Family
I'll admit this franchise is heading in the right direction but that doesn't excuse you from a few indiscretions this year. The first hint of success and you raised ticket prices through the roof and priced out the average fan. Then you go and do something nice for the kids. You donate 200 tickets to youth hockey team, which is a nice gesture and all...if you did it out of the goodness of your heart and didn't plaster your tax write-off all over the Bruins website.
If the players around you can't put the puck in the net, start looking for your own shot!
Don't even get me started on Mr. October.
The Feats of Strength
"Now as Festivus rolls on, we come to The Feats of Strength."
Until you pin Big Z, this holiday is not over!