A Hockey Guide to Hurricane Earl

As New England will be gently caressed by Hurricane Earl this Friday night, I felt it was important to make sure all hockey fans in the area are prepared.  Herewith, a few common questions and some emails I received asking about the Storm of the Fortnight.

1. Where is this hurricane coming from?  From Carolina, as usual.
2. Carolina? Did it originate in Hartford? No, Peter Karmanos stole it from the Atlantic Ocean off the west African coast. 
3. How fast is Earl moving? Approximately 15mph...or, to put it better, faster than Hal Gill but slower than Dennis Wideman.
4. How strong will it be when it hits the Cape? Expect gusts over 70MPH on the Cape, 100MPH if Nikolai Khabibulin is driving.
5. How much rain? Over 4 inches on the Cape, with an inch or so in Boston.  Which describes most couples.
6. What kind of damage can the storm do? Power lines may be knocked down, windows can be broken if not boarded up (and if Milan Lucic catches Mike Van Ryn in front of one), and very likely it will blow Blake Wheeler offsides.
7. What can I do to prepare for the storm? Just follow these simple suggestions:

• Make sure you have enough critical supplies - water, canned foods, toilet paper, and composite sticks (you'll be breaking one about every 5 minutes).
• Gather up any outdoor items and bring them inside, or else weigh them down with something heavy, like Martin Brodeur or Kyle Wellwood.
• Keep your TV tuned to the local news for updates...the NHL has to decide on Savard's deal at some point.
• If ordered to evacuate, do not panic.  Gather up your belongings, calmly get in the car, and then drive like Juan Pablo Montoya to get to safety.  If you happen to hit Brendan Witt in doing so, don't worry, it's cool, he's a hockey player.
• Most importantly, relax and remember that Mother Nature is simply trying to prove it's truculence to Brian Burke.

In preparing for this piece, I solicited emails with questions about the storm.  Here are the queries I have received, with my answers.

Dear Mr. Arena,

Will wind from the storm mess up my hair?

Sincerly,

C. Julien
Concord, MA

Mr. Julien,

No, but lightning flashes reflecting off of your scalp may blind bystanders.

Mr. Cale,

Will wind from the storm mess up my hair?

Regards,

M. Savard

My Agent's Office

Mr. Ed Hardy,

God willing, yes.

CALE,

WILL PEOPLE BE ABLE TO HEAR ME OVER THE HOWLING WIND?

MONSTROUSLY,

PIERRE MCGUIRE

TORON...(unintelligible)

Mr. Benches,

What?  Could you repeat that?

Yo, AC...

I want to be safe travelling in the storm.  Should I take a cab, or ride top-free with my honeys in a limo?

Holla back,

Pat "Hurra" Kane (LOL!)

Chi Town via Da Buff

Twenty,

I suggest public transportation.  And a debit card.

Hello good sir,

Will the rain hide my tears?

Blessings,

J. Roenick

The Booth

Mr. Cupless,

Yes.  Until Milbury calls you out on it.

So, as you can see, proper preparation and a level head will mean that Hurricane Earl is nothing more than a drizzle in your day.  Follow the above suggestions and you'll be back to enjoying the sunshine quicker than the Capitals get back to the golf course in April.