The Rules of No Fight Club

BOSTON MA - FEBRUARY 09: Gregory Campbell #11 of the Boston Bruins and Tom Pyatt #94 of the Montreal Canadiens fight in the third period on February 9 2011 at the TD Garden in Boston Massachusetts. The Bruins defeated the Canadiens 8-6. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

1. The first rule of No Fight Club is that you tell everyone about No Fight Club.

2. Gloves shall be firmly secured to the jersey with mitten tethers at all times.

3. Should your gloves inadvertently fall off during the course of play, duck down to the ice and tuck yourself into an ass ball to draw a power play.

4. Always wear the largest visor currently available on the market and insist on keeping your helmet on during any assaults physical altercations. If you feel you need extra protection on any given night, fake a broken nose and wear a full shield. Remember there are no enforcers in No Fight Club to protect you.

5. If, beaten by a puck carrier, feel free to stick out a knee or a leg to slow the skater down.

6. When talking with the media, act confused and refuse to answer questions if the writer does not speak your native tough. If the writer does speak your language, be sure to reinforce the fact that you are a member of No Fight Club. Be sure to call any team that engages in fisticuffs "savages and goons". Point out that "this goonery has no place in today's game and it is a disgrace to the sport of ice hockey". Always remind the media that winning fights does not equate to winning hockey games and reinforce your ignorance of the 1970's Bruins or Flyers. Sprinkle in the word "sideshow" whenever possible.

7. Stickwork is encouraged. Chippiness is praised.

8. Should you happen to be attacked by a bully, try to skate away and find a grown-up in a striped shirt.

9. If you are new to No Fight Club, tailor your style of play to meet No Fight Club's long-standing tradition of cowardly play.

10. A meaningless power play goal to pad your stats is always more important than standing up for yourself or teammates.

11. Whenever a call on the ice is made, be sure to point the palm of your gloves to the sky and scrunch your face up like you just smelled a nasty fart.

12. If Rule #11 doesn't work, initiate "Operation Triple Lindy" and throw yourself onto the ice surface whenever a defender is within a range of 3 feet.

13. Members and former members of No Fight Club are exempt from petty thief laws. So, if you see a handbag that matches your shoes, fell free to grab it.

14. If you take a high-stick, don't be afraid to bit your lip to draw the extra 2.

15. Follow your fans' lead and reference No Fight Club's successes from before you were born.

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