The Bruins and Realignment: Misadventures Abound!

#seidenbergprobs - Jerry Lai-USA TODAY Sports

Lilybraden, HEYGUYS Bear™ and I had a lengthy discussion about the implications of the upcoming NHL realignment, and HEYGUYS Bear™ came up with several scenarios we should be concerned about, which I will list (mostly) geographically:


  • The Bruins are invited back to the Jacobs estate, where they frolic in the grass and play red rover. When Greg Campbell commands, “Red rover, red rover, send Looch right over!”, and Milan goes barreling through the tightly clasped grip of David Krejci and Danny “Stonehands” Paille like a bull in the San Fermin Festival, the poor Matrix’s wrist is broken, causing us to lose his services for a couple of months.
  • Elsewhere on Jacobs’ sprawling property, Marshy and Sega shotgun more than a few Bud Lights, and head over to the pond for some fishing. Marshmont accidentally hooks Seguin with his cast, plunging him into the lake. Drunk Brado dives in to save his bosom buddy Tyler, and they both drown in their drunken stupidity.
  • After the end of a long round of golf, Adam McQuaid is taking a stroll when Tuukka comes flying by on one of Jacobs’ minibikes, scaring him. Quaider, startled, falls and is subsequently hit by a golf cart, driven by none other than his very own defense partner, Andrew Ference. Out 4-6 weeks with fractured pride, and a sprained whateveryoucallit.
  • The closest Friendly’s to either Florida team is in Orlando. That’s a long drive. Merlot is going to play like crap without the thought of postgame fourth-line Fribbles to fire them up.
  • Gibsonton is only about a 15-minute drive from Tampa. I wouldn’t doubt it if Johnny Boychuk, on his way to feed his Redbull addiction (thanks a lot, Salzburg) late one night, gets lost in Gibsonton on his way to the local 7-11. When he stops and asks some friendly carniefolk for directions, desendants of Lobster Boy are likely to abduct him in order to increase the good looks of their rather limited (presumably by incest), crustacean-like gene pool.
  • The team goes camping at Everglades National Park. Claude schedules an air boat tour so all the boys can check the place out. After a couple of hours, they pull over on the banks of the swamp to stretch their legs and relieve themselves. Dennis Seidenberg, our manly but hapless Teuton, needs to drain the snake. He wants a little privacy, so he goes a few trees further away than most of his teammates, getting lost on his way back. Seids calls for his teammates, to no avail. He decides to start walking in the direction he believes the camp and boat are located. To his dismay, he runs into a gator and has to wrestle it. Then he runs into another and is again victorious. Tired and dying for some wiener schnitzel, our most honorable and rugged Kraut (this term is not offensive when used by a Bruins fan in reference to a Bruin, mind you) stops to rest on a shore, among some mangrove trees, when out comes ANOTHER alligatorthis is getting to be like the fireswamp, and Seids has had enough. “If only the Dread Pirate Soderberg were here,” he grumbles to himself, while strangling the angry green menace to an untimely death. After a few days of wandering and gator fighting, Seids makes it back to camp, having been crowned King of the Everglades by the few remaining alligators that our merciful German friend allowed to live. There are a couple of things to consider in this scenario, though – the first problem is that Seidenberg has been wrestling gators for days. He’s already missed the games on the Bruins’ Florida road trip. On top of that, he’s dehydrated, and worn out from all that gator wrasslin’. He’s going to be day-to-day once he meets back up with the team. Another problem is that his status as King of the Everglades makes him an endangered species; the issue with this is that, under NHL rule 44, section D, “Any player who deliberately makes physical contact with a player of endangered species and/or royalty status will be assessed a minor penalty. If an injury occurs as a result of said physical contact, a major penalty must be assessed. Supplemental discipline may be applied by the Commissioner, or the Director of Player Safety, at their discretion.” Most fans would think this is a good thing, but comrades, think of our power play! We would never get our momentum back; our mojo would effectively be stolen on a permanent basis. Upside: he and Dougie will have matching gator belts and boots. All defense partners coordinate, amirite?


  • The first problem is obvious: everyone knows there are wolverines in Michigan. Big Z will be out mountain biking in the woods when he is felled by one of these vicious little bastards sticking a branch in his spokes. The wolverine then pounces on him, clawing, snarling and biting Everyone’s Favorite Giant Slovak™. Fighting the wolverine tooth and nail, Chara eventually emerges victorious, of course, but managed to catch rabies from his furry little foe. This results in a short hospital stay and he misses at least a game or two. Unacceptable. If he doesn’t reach the hospital soon enough, the rabies could wreak havoc, turning him into a werewolf. Due to all the excess hair, his body temperature will be so high during games that we’re going to have to put the guys on the Merlot line on Chara-shaving duty.
  • It’s Detroit. Let’s be honest: Seguin and Tuukka are pretty and will likely be mugged.
  • Tuukka could routinely shut out the Red Wings since he has anti-Datsyuk magical Finnish powers (think of him as our very own White Death), thus causing the dead octopi in the Motor City to pile up. All this rotten seafood would obviously cause a total and complete barf-o-rama for our team, for the Red Wings, all of Wayne County, and the entire state of Michigan. Shutouts against Detroit are quite the public health debacle, when you really think about it.
  • Motown is not known for its cleanliness. I mean, they build lots of cars there. That means lots of smog and pollution. Alternate Captain Planet will step off the plane and have a stroke, and we’ll have to bring in Dr. Recchi to evaluate. On top of that, when Ference falls to the ground, he’ll likely pull his groin.
  • Patrice Bergeron is kidnapped by a band of merry gangsters, one of whom bears a striking resemblance to Mekhi Phifer. Milan Lucic and Brad Marchand will have to challenge and beat Eminem in a rap battle in order to negotiate Bergy’s release. All I can say, kids, is that you’ve heard Marshmont’s lovely voice before. We could lose Saint Patrice. Be prepared, folks. Anything can happen in Hockeytown, presented by Amway™.
  • Nathan Horton, totally lost and looking for his BFFL Looch, is wandering around downtown when he’s hit by a Chrysler driven by Tim Thomas. Michigan is simply not a good idea.
  • The octopi could cause but another problem – if we keep blowing leads, poor Killah Krejci could be hit by one while lining up at the dot. If it could happen to anyone, it'll happen to DK46.

All of these scenarios are totally legitimate; I really think the NHL should reconsider.

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