Stanley Cup Final 2013: Why you absolutely shouldn't cheer for Chicago

Elsa

Chicago is an awful team to cheer for and here is a list of reasons why you just shouldn't do so.

Hey neutral fan! Are you agonizing over which team to cheer for in the SCF? Don't cheer for the meteor; one team here is actually way better to cheer for than the other. Let me tell you all about why Boston is superior to bandwagon.

The city is full of dum-dums:

They call themselves the "Windy City" but uh excuse me science begs to differ. Oh look which city is ACTUALLY in the top 20 windy cities in the country, though...

They're smaller than Toronto and they're incredibly self-conscious about it.

They've bastardized two Great American Foods: the hot dog (ketchup, mustard, meat, and bread vs this monstrosity. Raw tomatoes are the devil's fruit and don't belong anywhere near the deliciousness that is a hot dog) and pizza (sauce goes on the INSIDE, fools. If I can't eat it with my hands vs. a knife and fork, it's NOT PIZZA.) For those atrocities alone, they should be made to involuntarily secede from America.

The Chicago accent is stupid sounding. Conversely, the Boston accent is the greatest.

Chicago is known for drinking copious amounts of Malort. What does Malort taste like? Remember: they are PROUD of this. As a good friend of mine once said: "Malort tastes like snakes." That is not something to be proud of. That is gross.

Vince Vaughn is stupid.

The Cubs and the White Sox are garbage. At least our dumb baseball team broke their big stupid curse. Also Wrigley Field smells like pee.

The team is pretty stupid too:

They employ Dave Bolland and Andrew Shaw, both noted rats. That's twice as many rats as Boston employs. Together they are Brad Marchand SQUARED. LOOK AT THE MAJESTY OF THIS DIVE. Dave Bolland also once referred to a certain pair of NHL players as "sisters" in a live interview. That's real nice.

Chelsea Dagger is the crappiest goal song in the history of hockey. When you sing along with it you just sound like a big drunk idiot who can't make real words happen.

Jonathan Toews is an inferior Selke candidate. Patrice Bergeron forever.

Patrick Kane is a drunk little troll who beats up cab drivers and has terrible hair. You may argue, Blackhawks fans, that Adam McQuaid has also sported a mullet in the past. The difference here: would you tell McQuaid to his face that his hair looks stupid? Not unless you want your face rearranged. Patrick Kane, not so much.

Should I open the can of worms that is their terrible awful logo? Should I further open the bigger can that is the gross blog logos it's inspired?

Bill Wirtz sucks. And yes, you'll retaliate with Jeremy Jacobs, but the fact of the matter is: at least aside from that year and half worth of lockouts, we could always watch the Bruins on TV. How long did you go without the Blackhawks on your TV, friends in Chicago? How many of you actually paid for "Hawk Vision," the $29.95/month broadcast of Hawks home games in 1992-1993? Lollerskates. Roflcopter. Sucks to suck.

The Bruins have never been named the worst franchise in sports. The Blackhawks have. Advantage: Bruins

And that, in a nutshell, is why you should come cheer for the Bruins instead. Coming soon: we'll tell you all the awesome things about the Bruins that Chicago only WISHES they could match.

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