FanPost

Your Playoff Beard and You 2013

In April of 2012 I expressed some of the important rules and regulations regarding the all important Playoff Beard. I currently live in Kentucky, birthplace of Abraham Lincoln (Greatest President in the History of Ever). Abe Lincoln was the leader of the United States during the most difficult war the country ever faced, ended slavery, and protected the nation from Vampires. He would have been unable to the awesome man he was, were it not for his beard. I live in Kentucky, so clearly I am an excellent resource regarding beard information.

You can read it here.

I want to add a few things that I've learned regarding Performance Enhancing Beards in the interest of clarity.

Ladies (or other people unable to grow Playoff Beards): Now I understand that generally it is difficult for women to grow Performance Enhancing Beards. None of us are blaming you. And if you're doing your best, but the beard still isn't growing, there are a number of knitted false beard options that you could look into the possibility of. Some of them even come with attached caps for convenience. They also have the added benefit of keeping your face warm in cold wind, just like a real beard. To all the men that are unable to grow playoff beards as a result of bad genetics or other factors, these knitted beards are an excellent way to feel included with all your beard wearing male friends. Teen males, you need to be especially careful about using beard prosthetics as it can result in stifling the development of your own actual beard. Yes wearing a false beard will result in absurd amounts of female attention as though you were living an axe commercial, I understand the appeal. But the decisions you make regarding your beard now affect your future beard. Parents, talk to your teens about experimenting with artificial performance enhancing beards, if you don't, someone else might.

The Handlebar exception to the Mustache exception: Now, previously I warned against the corruptive influence of a mustache and why it should be avoided if possible. A well maintained Handlebar Mustache can nullify the otherwise negative impact of a mustache. Although a great deal of care needs to be taken. A handlebar mustache can also accelerate Malign Hyper-cognitive Disorder (Evil Genius Syndrome). So if at any time while wearing your handlebar you feel the compulsion to cackle maniacally. Or if you start noticing that you refer to your friends, underlings, or employees as "minions" then you should immediately discontinue the use of your handlebar. If you need to shave your handlebar make sure your beard understands that the razor is meant for the mustache and not your beard. A wild playoff beard will retaliate if it feels threatened. Remember, your beard is growing, even while you sleep. A sign that your handlebar is working correctly is if you have a new or stronger desire to do things in a gentlemanly fashion (for example: taking tea in the drawing, smoking tobacco with a pipe, settling disputes through fisticuffs, using the words "good form" "umbrage" or "dignified").

Important information for people with Neck-beards: People with neck beards, you are not required to wear a neck beard in the interest of helping the team. We do not judge you for this. There are a variety of products on the market that can help with your affliction (above I've already mentioned the knitted variety previously). Neck Beard person, I hate to break the news to you like this, but you might be a werewolf. If you've woken up in strange places naked. Woke up at home, but with no memory of how you got there. And cannot explain away the oddities as a result of alcohol, then it is possible (actually quite likely) that you're a werewolf. If you suspect that you are a werewolf let your loved ones know for their safety. If you suspect a loved one of being a werewolf, do not attempt to cure them on your own. It is vitally important that you do not band together with your friends to capture your friend who is a werewolf. This will likely result in the destruction of your friends classic Volkswagen that has been with him since high-school, the destruction of your mother's garden, and the death of one of your friends (I still miss you Rick). Life is not a movie. leave werewolf capturing and curing to the professionals, no matter how legit the website seems.

Remember, if you take care of your beard, it will take care of you. Your beard is growing right now. Your beard is growing while you sleep. It never stops working for you. Respect that and honor it.

GO BRUINS!

Many FanPosts are written by readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Stanley Cup of Chowder, SB Nation, their sponsors, or business partners.

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