29 Teams We Hate: San Jose Sharks

Jason O. Watson-US PRESSWIRE

Hello, welcome to our 29-part series about hating every team that's not our team. Today: the San Jose Sharks.

THE SHARKS EMPLOY RAFFI TORRES.

What, hating that headhunting asshole isn't enough of a reason for you to, by proxy, hate this team? Okay, fine.

Let's talk headhunting, to start. Not only do the Sharks employ Raffi Torres, but they also employ Joe Thornton. Thornton was the reason a player missed an entire season because of - you guessed it - a bad concussion. Here is the hit in question. What a jerk. Never mind that trading him to the Sharks brought us the great Marco Sturm. Doesn't matter. What scum.

Other laughable, detestable Sharks players of note: Andrew Ference's punching bag (Adam Burish), Tyler "Manbearpig" Kennedy. Patrick Marleau, also; he has a dumb face that makes him look like he's always Very Concerned Or Worried. Which, maybe it's not his face, maybe he's actually always concerned or worried because his team is teetering on the edge of being fucking terrible. Or maybe it's because he's a gutless puke. Either/or.

The Sharks came into existence in the mid-90s, when starter jackets were the coolest thing on the block. Let's face it, you or someone you know owned either a Sharks or a Charlotte Hornets starter jacket, because teal was the goddamn bees knees - it was perfect for the OMG ALL THE FLORESCENT COLORS fad in the early 90s. The Sharks' coolness factor ceased to exist when the day-glo fad faded away. Teal is stupid; teal and orange as a combination is even stupider. What are you, the Miami Dolphins? Come on.

Their arena was until recently named the HP Pavilion, which is clever once you get past how goddamn nerdy it is. I imagine at least 90% of Sharks fans attend games having forgotten to take off their teal-and-orange pocket protectors.

Did you know that, also, the Sharks have made the playoffs EVERY YEAR since the 2004-2005 lockout? And what do they have to show for it? Pretty much nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. No Stanley Cups, not even any Stanley Cup Finals appearances. The Sharks are that team you draw in the playoffs and you relax because you're pretty much guaranteed a bye to the next round. But you better watch out, because if they can't beat you, they will try to beat you down because they're a bunch of useless stupid goons.

This terribleness/goonery extends to their AHL team, which we as New Englanders might be a little more familiar with: the Worcester Sharks. Worcester are a bunch of cheapshotty jackwagons whom our AHL team plays against 12 times per season. Pretty much every time a Providence player gets injured, you can bet it was a Worcester Shark who delivered the injury.

Jerks.

You know what the Sharks ARE good at, though? Making little kids cry.

For a more extensive guide to hating the sharks: read this, by Donut King. It's a little outdated, but it gets the job done. Fuck the Sharks.

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