29 Teams We Hate: Minnesota Wild

just failboating in our own building against the Wild, nothing new. - Elsa

Today in 29 Teams We Hate, the Minnesota Wild, who are a disgrace to the State of Hockey.

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away (aka 1993) there was a really cool team in a really cool state that had really cool colors (seriously, look how sharp those jerseys are). Everyone loved them. They had a pretty decent thing going against the Bruins, too; some games happened with record-setting brawls, there was lots of animosity, and the North Stars even beat the Bruins in one playoff series.

Wow how interesting that looks like the Bruins against another team we randomly love to hate.

Oh wait....that's the team the North Stars became!! Sucks 4 u minny

So then there was no pro hockey in the state of Minnesota for a while. Which is actually fine, and should have stayed that way. Minnesotans really seem too preoccupied with other stuff to give a bother about pro hockey. I mean, come on; they have five NCAA D-1 mens programs in three of the collegiate conferences, approximately eighty-bazillion awesome high school teams and the most ridiculous high school hockey tournament in all the land, which has its own incredible culture and amazeballs stories behind it. (Seriously, read this longform about Warroad and Roseau.) Not only that, but Minnesota is one of the places where you can watch really great womens hockey - Amanda "the best" Kessel and her Minnesota Gophers were an awesome story the last couple years.

So with all those really neat local options why the hell would you shoehorn a team with no history into the Twin Cities?

The Wild came into the league the same year as Columbus. Only while Columbus got a cool, regionally-relevant name (Blue Jackets! Civil War connections! History, dammit, the way it should be!) Minnesota ownership got drunk or did shrooms or SOMETHING and decided that their best option would be to name the team the WILD.

WILD.

WHAT?

What the hell is a Wild? Why would you name your team an adjective? Why would you turn down such cool options as "Blue Ox" or "Northern Lights" or "Freeze"? THESE ARE ALL MUCH COOLER OPTIONS WITH TIES TO THE ACTUAL STATE YOU DUM DUMS. Think of all the ridiculous Paul Bunyan tie-ins they could have done had they named the team the Blue Ox. That would have been awesome.

The team itself has been just about as bad as a team in a joke division like the Northwest could be, too. No Stanley Cups, no Conference Championships, You're in a division with such failboats as the Avalanche, the Oilers, and the Flames - and you still have only managed one division championship in the last ten years? I'm not talking early 2000s here, when the Avs and Flames were actually good - I'm talking the last few years, when these teams were making pushes like #failfornail and #quitwinninformackinnon and #fallforhall. That last one might not have been a thing. Whatever. How are you possibly that bad? How have you only made the playoffs four times? I don't get it. You're terrible.

Maybe it's because before last season, Mikko Koivu was your "superstar." Can't get the real deal Koivu? Cool, we'll just take his baby brother! The Minnesota Wild: awesome at settling for second best. Sure, they brought in Dany Heatley and Zach Parise and Ryan Suter - collect ALL the midwesterners!!!1 - and how'd that fare for them? They won a single playoff game, that's how. Congratulations, you're finally doing better than the OILERS. Setting the bar real high, I see.

Remember that time in the 2011-2012 season, about midway through, when the Wild were the best team in the league - and then they missed the playoffs? Regression to the mean is a bitch, isnt it, Minnesota. PDO numbers are not your friend. At least Minnesotans didn't have to sit indoors during the playoffs and miss any of the approximately 3.6 seconds of summer that Minnesota is blessed with each year.

If that doesn't work for you, Bruins fans, just remember - somehow, despite being ridiculously god dang awful, the Wild have won EVERY SINGLE GAME THEY'VE PLAYED AT TD GARDEN.

Fuck that.

ETA: Also they employ Matt Cooke. I don't know how I forgot about that, but there, now you have two concrete reasons to hate the everloving crap out of the goddamn Wild.

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