29 Teams We Hate: New Jersey Devils

Bruce Bennett

Today on 29 Teams We Hate: easily the least relevant of the three New York City teams. That's right, I said it.

The New Jersey Devils have a short, yet storied, history of being giant jerkwads - starting with the fact that their owner paid REAL ACTUAL MONEY to move the team from the beautiful mountains of Denver to the epic cesspool that is the Meadowlands. He actually had to pay the Rangers and Islanders to move his team into the tri-state area. First of all, why would you voluntarily leave Denver? Second of all, Newark is easily the worst place on earth. One could even call it...hell on earth.

So I guess the Devils name is fitting, at least. Must be awesome playing in a city that's stuck in a glorified swamp.

But why, specifically, should Bruins fans hate the Devils?

For one thing, they're historically bigger whiners than even the Sabres. They even whined about "foot in the crease" before the Sabres did - all the way back in 1994. Their fans are giant babies who have been convinced that the league is constantly out to screw them over since the early 80's. Their coaches, historically, have been no different - even going so far as to verbally abuse said NHL officials. Jim Schoenfield, was suspended for a game in the playoffs for his abuse of Don Koharski, and he took the matter to New Jersey Court.

What a baby.

The team's won three Stanley Cups in the last 20 years, mostly because of this guy.

The Devils wasted their last pick of the draft last year on Martin Brodeur's son Anthony, also a goalie. That's a son he had with his wife, not his wife's sister, fyi. Yep - one of the greatest goaltenders of all time has kids with massive identity problems due to the fact that Martin "Uncle-Daddy" Brodeur cheated on their mom with their aunt. Oddly enough, Brodeur hasn't been super successful since his affair was discovered - all his three cup wins came before he married the aunt.

Brodeur is also a giant baby like the rest of his team - he was so rattled by Sean Avery's trolling that the NHL acquiesced and made a rule that didn't allow Avery to bother him that way quite so much anymore.

(At the end of that playoff series, which the Devils did in fact lose, Brodeur wouldn't even shake Avery's hand. Get over yourself, uncle-daddy.)

Really, Brodeur, their shit location and their shitty fans are all there is to hate about the Devils because everything else about that team is so boring, why bother with emotions? They single handedly ruined hockey in the 90s with their excessive use of the trap (and brainwashed their fans into respecting/loving said trap).

Now, they're a terrible team with one goalie who may as well be in an old folks home and another whose hair is going to clash violently with his jersey (gingers shouldn't wear red, Cory Schneider. Also you have no soul), along with a roster full of washed up, shitty players who should probably get used to living in the basement of the Metropolitan Patrick Plus Division. They voluntarily employ noted mouthbreathers Cam Janssen and Krys Barch. They somehow managed to let franchise face Zach Parise escape to the frozen wasteland of Minnesota. And, you want to talk about settling? How about the fact that they couldn't have Brian Gionta, so they settled for his half-sized younger brother Stephen, who is actually listed on an NHL roster at 5'7. They used up everything they had to get to the 2012 Stanley Cup Finals and just....deflated after that.

The Devils are stupid and laughable and I hope they miss the playoffs from now until forever, and if they manage to get a salute out of Jaromir Jagr this year, I will actually flip a shit.

In closing: Fuck the Devils. Let's watch Dennis Seidenberg, Sergei Samsonov and the Hurricanes make Martin Brodeur angry in the 2009 playoffs.

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