There's really only one team to root for in the NHL postseason this year, and that is Team Meteor. While I am not one to condone species-annihilation on a massive scale, I would not mind something much less sinister, such as an earthquake swallowing a stadium whole during game 7 of the Finals. Perhaps even Raffi Torres attempting to steal the Stanley Cup, only to have it fuse to his skin and melt both of them.
If you're unsure of why rooting for any of the remaining teams is a bad idea, I have compiled a comprehensive and unbiased list of reasons why you shouldn't root for any of them. Enjoy.
Maybe never again
Is Montreal. If you're still not convinced, please click this link.
2. New York Rangers.
Is New York. If you're a fan of any other Boston sports teams, this should be sufficient enough reason. However, if you're a general hockey fan, the New York Rangers simply aren't a team that deserves to be blindly hated. So you need something else. Picture in your mind a stereotypical Boston bandwagon fan. They probably have a mindset that Lucic is the greatest hockey player we have, every season the Bruins don't win the Cup is an abject failure, and stand a 1:3 shot at spewing some of the racist remarks we've had to endure other fans telling us reflect ALL Bruins fans. They either want to trade Rask or Krejci (sometimes both) and want to fire Claude regardless. Got him in your mind? Well, the way I see it, the New York Rangers core fanbase is the same size as Boston's, however, their bandwagon is 3-4 times larger. Meaning there are 3-4 times that many of that type of fan rooting for them right this second. They probably hero-worship Dan Carcillo at this point. Gross. Also, Marty St. Louis' mom may have died (God rest her soul) but keep in mind he's still the guy who whined his way out of his career franchise because his GM snubbed him at the Olympics. He's kind of a dink for that.
I should have warned you. I'm sorry.
This fanbase will tell us "17 SECONDS WOO" every time they meet us for the rest of our lives. This is because they took a Cup from the Bruins last year. There is no cheering for that. For the casual hockey fan, the media is just itching for them to return to the Cup Finals so they can start lauding that dreaded "dynasty" label on them. Had Boston won last season, they could have been in the running for that label. Instead, it's Chicago, in a post-dollar Bill Wirtz era. It's like glimpsing into a future without Jeremy Jacobs, only real because Jeremy Jacobs is probably some kind of Dr. Frankenstein zombie who will NEVER DIE and this makes me sad. Anyway, the only thing Chicago had for them was Dorchester's own Jimmy "How-do-ya-do" Hayes, but now he's a Panther. Do we as a hockey community really want to see P-diddles Kane hoist another Cup? You just know that every Selke vote from now on, Toews supporters will point to three Cups and use it as leverage over Bergeron. This cannot happen.
photo courtesy of KABC-TV in Los Angeles
Admittedly, this looks to be the 'safest' choice in terms of who to root for. However, they do have two guys who were on that Flyers team who came from 3-0 down to beat Boston, and most of them have already won a Cup. Rooting for Los Angeles is rooting for the ultimate bandwagon: chock full of celebrities who were scarcely seen at a hockey game until it was considered "cool" because they were a winning team. If you're a Celtics fan, they're also LA. Justin Williams is apparently being dubbed "Mr. Game 7," an honor that should go to Patrice Bergeron if the team around him would stop losing those games. Since Williams is 7-0 (completely meaningless stat), his similar point totals look sexier. This should be sufficient enough for any Boston sports fan to not root for LAK. As for the casual hockey fan, you have to consider the following: If Los Angeles were to win their second title in three years, much like Chicago they would be on the verge of the "dynasty" label. Do we really want to live in a world where Dustin Brown is captaining a "dynasty?"
I rest my case. No Teemu, no winner. Go Team Meteor.