Back in February, a camera crew visited the Bruins' David Pastrnak's house in the style of MTV's Cribs, taking a look around and chatting with the 17-year-old forward. Ignoring how odd it is to be looking around the house of a 17-year-old Czech living in Sweden, we've taken the liberty of carefully examining the video to dissect the essence of Pastrnak.
Pastrnak says "no thanks" to advertising. This is going to be a problem is he wants to skate on the Bruins' power play presented by Crown Royal, or the penalty kill presented by Liberty Mutual, or if he wants to ice the puck presented by Bud Light, or if he wants to play on the third line presented by Enterprise Rent-a-Car, or...
HE'S A TRADER*!!!!! Well would you look at this. This just proves that Peter Chiarelli and Co. have no clue what they're doing. They drafted a Yankees fan! Can you believe that?! Chiarelli should be fired, Claude should be fired, the popcorn vendor should be fired. How can you draft a trader?!
*Yes, I'm aware of how to spell "traitor."
Is that him? Looks like he's got a picture of himself on his wall. Rumor has it he's not a team-first guy. Rumor has it he doesn't pass. Rumor has it he stepped on the logo in the locker room once. Rumor has it he asked for a trade. Rumor has it he needed a guard outside of his hotel room during the Swedish playoffs.
Sucking up to Tuukka Pastrnak is already trying to get into Tuukka Rask's good graces, putting some Suomi flair on his wall. Just to clarify: this is a Czech forward living in Sweden whose favorite food is Italian and who has a Finland banner on his wall. OK.
More sucking up Pastrnak, having heard about Tuukka Rask's temper, says he always wanted to be a goalie when he was a kid, but his mother said no, it was too expensive. Also, he looks strangely similar to the lead bad guy from The Purge.
This is a teenager's fridge The sad potatoes you see at the bottom right are the only vegetables in there. I like his style.
TACOS!!!! DOUBLE TACOS!!!!
Pasta = best Pastrnak's favorite food appears to be spaghetti and meatballs, which to me means he should've been picked first overall. Spaghetti, meatballs and tacos? Kid's got lottery-pick taste in food.
ALERT THE BOSTON MEDIA! This kid does his own dishes, unlike some lazy layabouts harrumph harrumph harrumph Bobby Orr never had a messy apartment harrumph...
SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT THIS! HE'S USING A SPONGE TO SCRUB THE FORK! GET THIS KID THE 7TH PLAYER AWARD ALREADY. TYLER SEGUIN NEVER CLEANED A FORK EVER NEVER EVER!
Notes from home A friendly the reminder that this is a kid living hundreds of miles from home. These notes from his mother remind him to play hard, skate hard and be careful. Oof. Right in the Czech feels...
On a serious note, Pastrnak comes off as a pretty likable kid. He's well-spoken, especially considering he learned English in the last couple of years. Other notes from the video:
- He doesn't watch much TV because he doesn't understand the Swedish shows.
- He really loves the game. This isn't a kid who was forced into playing hockey and is just doing it because he's good at it. He says more than once that he loves playing, loves hockey, loves the game.
- His father was a huge influence on him. He says that his father was the one who always told him to practice more and to work harder. Unfortunately, his father passed away after a battle with cancer. He says that now that his father passed away, he works even harder. Every goal he scores is for his father.
- His mother left him a note reminding him to brush his teeth. That's OK, David. We all forget sometimes.