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Tuesday Morning Skate: Let's Clear Something Up: I Hate You

Nice job cursing yourself, 93 Blue
Nice job cursing yourself, 93 Blue
Kevin C. Cox

Yes, it's true, fans of other teams. I hate you. I hate your teams. I hate your stupid colors and chants and traditions. What kind of a fanbase would reduce itself to that? Have some respect. If not for yourself, for the sport of hockey. Gosh, you are all such children. Hey you, shut up and sit down. Hey you, stand up and scream. What is this, a [insert team] game? Come on. Who cares about your team, anyways? You don't have any cups/don't have any cups since gramps and granny got married/only have one cup recently and you're a bad bandwagon fan as a result. Get on my level.

The league is tentatively back, so I thought I would just clear something up after all that lovey-dovey kumbaya horsecrap. So I've decided I'd call out each team just a bit to get everyone in the mood. Mystikal, give us something to listen to here.

  • Anaheim: Oh look at Anaheim think they have another elite goaltender. Great job, jerks. Try not to squander Teemu's last ride.
  • Buffalo: JOHN SCOTT IN THE HOUSE. Honestly, if I were him, I'd probably want to just stay home. Steve Ott is going to start so many fights for him. Those games are going to be shitshows and it won't all be Ville Leino's fault anymore. Who do they buy out?
  • Calgary: Can't sign Gaudreau to a pro contract fast enough. If he's following the Theo Fleury tiny-forward route, try to win the cup before his coke addiction catches up with him.
  • Carolina: Probably pretty psyched about the Staal family complex built behind the arena. Hey, last lockout ending worked out pretty well for them.
  • Chicago: Got a couple star players still recovering from concussions and a guy on HC Biel and hmmmmm.
  • Colorado: If you need a goalie, give us a call. We've got a guy in your area.
  • Columbus: Don't worry guys, if you get a worse draft pick out of the new draft lottery system people will expect them to be busts.
  • Dallas: The short season will help the top line of Methuselah and the grail's protector from The Last Crusade. Can't totally hate dallas because they fleeced buffalo.
  • Detroit: Reminder that Lidstrom retired.
  • Edmonton: Nugent-Hopkins sure scored a bunch against German teenagers and the AHL. Shame that he'll now have to play NHL talent, even if half of it will be northwest division teams.
  • Florida: President of the Panthers says there's a contest to win a seat with him for each home game this season. That could get uncomfortable.
  • Los Angeles: I wonder if more people remember the last NFL or NHL game there more.
  • Minnesota: <3
  • habs: the worst, always been the worst, always been the worst. Pick 2: Gomez, Bourque, Kaberle. Oh well, at least Subban is si-hahahahahahahahahaha #OffersheetPK
  • Nashville: I was supposed to visit you but I can't anymore because the schedule won't allow it. Jerks.
  • New Jersey: The lowered cap will benefit the devils until the landlord shuts the lights off for not paying rent.
  • Islanders: Think this is Mark Streit's last ride?
  • Rangers: Fans get what they deserve living in the urine-smelling trash heap that is NYC.
  • Ottawahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Alfie gets his last bad ottawa haircut this season. For maximum pain, I hope he's traded late-season.
  • Philly: No, YOUR owner was the driving force behind the lockout, doodyheads.
  • Phoenix: You might have an owner finally maybe and we mean it this time. Too bad the lockout and years of shitting the ownership situation bed scared off one of the OG Coyotes bloggers. RIP travis (not really dead)
  • Pittsburgh: We all know why everyone hates you and it still counts. Matt Cooke is the worst but the whole organization is pretty dirty. Just keep your kids in hockey programs, jerks.
  • San Jose: Your teams' glory years are almost over, unless you think somebody's going to trade you a hall-of-fame MVP center after this lockout, as well.
  • St. Louis: Remember that time you guys made the finals?
  • Tampa: Did you guys sign a goalie that isn't actually Tony Esposito with a fake name yet?
  • Toronto: [Choose your own adventure below!]
  • Vancouver: Gosh, it would be delicious for you guys to trade Luongo. Yes, do it. I hear San Jose is looking for an elite player after every lockout...
  • Washington: So, you're sure Ovechkin's coming back. You're sure you're sure? Sure? That's three times you've said you're sure.
  • Winnipeg: Still a frozen wasteland and still no proof that you're better than the thrashers beyond not keeping Don Waddell hired. Which I guess is a positive but how do you replace Evander Kane?
I think that about covers it. It looks like the first game should be against Toronto so I left that one blank for you to fill in below.