Bruins at the Oscars: Who's Winning What?

Thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the 86th annual Bruins Oscars awards. It's not the end of the season by any stretch, but

Best Performance in an Offensive Role

Considering yesterday we're giving this to a man who richly deserves it, Zdeno "Zdangles" Chara for his utterly ridiculous spinorama and backhand shelf snipe. Just sit back and enjoy it, y'all.

Well, you know, it sort of happened. Come on down, Zdeno!

I don't know how it happened really, you can't plan for that. I play a simple game, but that was open to me so I made the shot and it went in.

Best Performance in a Defensive Role

We've got a surprise winner here: Tyler "TyTy" Seguin. He's been having a decent defensive year, and then he pulled the puck off the line like some sort of Magician. It wasn't quite as nice as when Patrice did it, but then again Patrice is a Selke winner and TyTy is more likely to win the Art Ross. Here's the move:

uh, is this on? great. thanks everyone. I want to thank everyone who helped me get here, especially my lineys and the coaches here as well. Big shout out to my pals back home, my sponsors, and EHC Biel for letting me practice with them during the lockout. Where'd the champagne cart go?

Best New Artist

Only 1498 points away from the franchise record, the second coming of Bobby Orr is the obvious choice for this award. Especially considering the competition in the "New" department. Dougie, come on down!

Jeez, guys, uh, I just want to thank my teammates for helping me along the way. Thanks to mom and dad and my coaches and the Sea Dogs IceDogs and Bruins organizations for believing in me. I'm always trying to get better. [add your own cliche]

Best Penalty Kill

Tuukka Rask has been a rock for the Bruins for a while now, and this year the season is built around that rock. He now backstops the only Penalty Kill in the league that has an even goal differential. Yeah. Bruins have scored as many goals as have been scored against them this year. Holy crap, y'all. That's incredible.

Worst Sequel

Well I think we all know who's getting this award, don't we? The original was damn near perfect so it's hard to keep up, but Bourque 2: Electric Boogaloo is as disappointing a sequel as any slapshot after the first. Tough break, kid. But that's what happens when you're on pace to replicate Shane Churla's age 27 year, without all of the penalty minutes.

Hold up, hold up here a second. Ray here. Just want to say that all of you undeserving assholes better buck up about shitting all over The Son. He's not his dad and he never will be. I know that grates on you guys but I just know you can do better than crapping all over the third line winger. Third Line Winger! You know how much I would've liked a third line winger as good as Chris back in 1996-97? Quit all the crying. Sheesh. This used to be Boston.

Well there you have it folks, the Bruins Oscars! Hope you all enjoyed the show! We're going to high-tail it to the exit before Bourque crushes us into the endboards.