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Everyone Else: totally not the most Desirable City for UFAs

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USA TODAY Sports

Yesterday, Sarah went through a few more reasons to sign in Boston as a FA. Sure, Chiarelli said he's done for the month but he also said we got Iginla and that never happe- oh. Well. Maybe he's done for the month as of a few months from now, though. Anyways, if there are any FAs considering offers from multiple teams and Boston is one of them, and you're a good player, here are a few reasons not to sign elsewhere:

  • Anaheim Ducks - Have to play with contact high during home games when Snoop Dogg is in the hizzouse, nephew! Church!
  • Buffalo Sabres - Well, it's buffalo. Lots of good hockey players from there, because they want to get out and there's nothing to do. The only reason the Sabres aren't the most sad-sack organization in town is that the Bills still exist.
  • Calgary Flames - Your locker room was underwater over the summer, and the team might still stink more than it.
  • Carolina Hurricanes - You're nobody during football season.
  • Chicago Blackhawks - Just won the cup so make sure you're signed for more than 2 years if you want a chance of winning it all.
  • Colorado Avalanche - Won't get any local endorsement deals as Peyton Manning has exclusive rights to the state at this point.
  • Columbus Blue Jackets - Will probably make a little more. A the Ohio State football player will probably steal your girlfriend.
  • Dallas Stars - If you sign short-term, you'll end up somewhere else by the end of the year. Have to battle Tyler Seguin for a roster spot.
  • Detroit Red Wings - Mommas, don't let your kids grow up to sell Amway...
  • Edmonton Oilers - "They have a big mall, though!" is the Edmonton Tourism Board's slogan.
  • Florida Panthers - Sometimes your team president flies to Vegas for lunch. If you like getting yelled at by retired Canadian fans, sign right up!
  • Los Angeles Kings - Team-building activities include "coke weekend in Las Vegas" and "Pancake Breakfast" so if that's your bag, I guess that's alright.
  • Minnesota Wild - No cap space to sign you or anyone else after the Parise/Suter signings.
  • Montreal Canadiens - Parlez-vous français?
  • Nashville Predators - If you like the spotlight, see employment elsewhere unless you are Seth Jones. Hope you like country music.
  • New Jersey Devils - What did Ilya Kovalchuk and Zach Parise know that you don't?
  • New York Islanders - They say that free agents stick around after signing there. Do you really want to meet Long Island mobsters?
  • New York Rangers - You will never, ever, ever, ever win a "best dressed" award while Lundqvist is around.
  • Ottawa Senators - Your neighbors will be very good at things like petitioning Canadian congress. Which is cool, I guess.
  • Philadelphia Flyers - Will be traded before your NTC kicks in.
  • Phoenix Coyotes - The only state that holds onto the old Soviet refrain, "Papers please, comrade!"
  • Pittsburgh Penguins - Hope you don't need to catch a cab, ever.
  • San Jose Sharks - Window is closing (closed?). Can get a great deal at Fry's on that video card you've been looking for. Traffic sucks.
  • St. Louis Blues - Cheapskate owner keeps trying to make it work near the cap floor.
  • Tampa Bay Lightning - Team doesn't like funny faces. Paying Vinny Prospal to not play there. Relying on Ben Bishop to provide solid goaltending and he's not facing college players anymore.
  • Toronto Maple Leafs - Phil Kessel is probably leaving after this year, leaving a core that includes Tyler Bozak and David Clarkson.
  • Vancouver Canucks - Play for John Tortorella. Go ahead, ask him why that's bad. This interview is OVER!
  • Washington Capitals - Will be late to practice often, stuck behind motorcades.
  • Winnipeg Jets - Have to live in Winnipeg. God help you if you're not white and/or not from North America.

As you can see, all of those cities and teams suck and nobody should play for them.