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The Official Boston Bruins Google Autocomplete-based Season Preview

By sarahconnors
  • Tuukka Rask Tuukka Rask is apparently Santa Claus.
  • Chris Kelly "CHRIS KELLY IS DEAD! No not THAT Chris Kelly, the other one. My bad."
  • Daniel Paille You can thank this video for that second one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYuMa70auGY Fucking Pittsburgh announcers.
  • Shawn Thornton Shawn Thornton's acting skills are valuable.
  • Gregory Campbell Ladies........
  • Dougie Hamilton That is a very good question, internet. Claude Julien didn't seem to think so in the playoffs. *waits for impending Servo meltdown*
  • Torey Krug Torey Krug had no results for "is" but I bet he will by the end of this season.
  • Johnny Boychuk Let's just go with "Canadian."
  • Adam McQuaid YES. YES TO ALL OF THIS.
  • Dennis Seidenberg I guess these questions could naturally progress after one another...
  • Zdeno Chara Okay, who gave Canada control of the internet today? THAT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN AGAIN
  • Patrice Bergeron Patrice Bergeron: Irreplaceable married Quebecois. That could not be a more perfect three-word description of that man's life.
  • Brad Marchand Brad Marchand is an ugly, dirty douche-tool. But he's OUR ugly dirty douche-tool!
  • Loui Eriksson I wonder if these two results are related.
  • Jarome Iginla Yes. yes he is. Also he did apparently one time go to Afghanistan!
  • David Krejci "is david krejci ok is david krejci lost david krejci please pick up the white courtesy phone, your linemates are looking for you in the offensi- oh holy shit what a goal"
  • Milan Lucic So basically: you hate Milan Lucic, but you're scared of him. good. Gooooood.
  • Bruins The Bruins as a whole are dirty goons who play on an unknown channel. Good to know.
  • Claude Julien I really don't understand the obsession with knowing if EVERYONE is married, internet, but I'm glad people are still trying to figure out if he's an idiot or not.

Earlier today, USA Today's Michael Katz evaluated every NFL quarterback using Google Autocomplete. It's hilarious and accurate and a brilliant idea.

Now it's our turn. With the season fast (sort of) approaching, it's about time to start looking at previewing the new-look Bruins. Most of these players we know, but some we don't. You find out about players by googling them, right? Googling their stats, their NHL history, their junior team history, their marital status what seriously like everyone does it, key youtube videos of them being badass, whether or not they're a jerk...

Let us go to the magical land of Google Autocomplete to see what we can learn from how the internet has evaluated our merry band of 2013-2014 Bruins!

I highly recommend actually googling some of the funnier results; in doing so you'll stumble across such gems as this:

Sweet mother of Bergeron it's Christmas in August what the hell.

TO THE GOOGLE!