Behind Behind the B *or* Your Team's Management Are A Bunch of Dummies

The other day, NESN dropped "Behind the B," a propaganda piece doc that delves into the inner workings of the Bruins front office during the offseason before devolving into boring human interest BS with the players. There were some bombshells in the first part the laid clear the reasoning behind the Seguin trade, and some of that reasoning is pretty troubling. Following is a beat by beat account of this first episode. For those of you playing at home, you can follow along right here:

2:25 - Claude Julien "We had our opportunity and played our best when it counted"

Subtext: (EXCEPT FOR YOU SEGUIN)

3:46 - Peter Chiarelli "You'll see that we're gonna have to lose some players"

Subtext: Because I signed Kelly and Pevs to 3m deals w/ NTCs. My bad guys.

4:11 - "Ference calms down his partners"

Soothing voice, gives great backrubs

4:46 - Adam Creighton, Pro Scout "It's time. You can't sacrifice one of those kids to keep an older player"

HEY THIS GUY GETS IT! (fails to apply same logic later)

5:05 Jim Benning is so fucking bummed out about Ference. Look at him pout. Soon he will have his revenge on these whippersnappers. Sooooooon

5:17 Sound guy cranks the gain to hear Cam Neely, releases a box of snakes

5:36 - Narrator on Seguin "Seguin has been something of a mystery. Flashes of Brilliance followed by dry spells"

Boy that enigma doesn't score every game, what a bum. Kinda beginning to sound like this program produced by an arm of the Bruins organization is designed to make fans cool with that whole trade thing...

5:48 - Chia "So he's another 35-40 goal scorer"

Oh yeah, one of those. Dime a dozen, man!

@fearthefin @AndrewBerkshire "He's a 35-40 goal guy. /collective yawn" Meanwhile, Bs with 35+ goal seasons http://t.co/0tnzhtYAmy

— SkinnyFish (@SkinnyPPPhish) September 10, 2013

5:49 - Jim Benning, Asst. GM "Well, basically what we're deciding is we're keeping our core guys. We're keeping the other guys that are our core guys"

uhhhh, got it Jim, thanks for your clarification

Mysterious voice - "We need some speed"

Benning "Yeah, we'll miss his speed. In the regular season we'll miss his speed"

OOOOOH SNAP! Sarcasmometer overloading! She can't hold on much longer Cap'n!

Because speed has never been a benefit in the playoffs:

6:09 - Benning "If we get guys we think we can win with, then it is what it is"

Not sure this Confucian organizational philosophy is the best tack, Jim.

6:15 - Benning "We're winning every year, we're not babysitting"

We need a pitcher, not a belly itcher

6:20 - Director of Player Personnel Scott Bradely "It's knowing the value of your player and when to move them. We were good on Raycroft and good on Phil."

Ok, fair point on Raycroft, but Phil? Just #7 in scoring in the league since departing the Bruins, NBD

6:30 - Collectively "It's time"

Benning:

7:30 - Sound recordist , embarrased by his previous efforts, decides to try the novel approach of sticking a lav directly inside Peter Chiarelli's mouth for this meeting

7:32 - Chia "We're trying to sign Horton. We're having difficulty. We have a list that we may go to market on if we can't get him done. If we sign Horton or a comparable player for that salary, we have to move a player. Andthat player that I've been shopping is Seguin"

STOP THE MOVIE! Alright, here we have confirmation that Tyler Seguin was shopped to fit Horton or Horton equivalent on the roster. That's right, not discipline, not production: cap mismanagement. Heard this one before? No, the options were not to move or buy out lower line guys like Kelly, the decision from Chia was to ship out a 21 yr old budding star to fit a 28 yr old mid-60 player with concussion issues on the roster long term. And now you know... the rest of the story

7:59 - Keith "Not Wayne, Not Even Close" Gretzky " I see work - hard - from Seguin, but half a second late, and he won't pay the price"

Ugh, Ladies and gents, this is the recently promoted, reputedly analytics friendly head of amateur scouting making his decisions based on perceived softness of a player. NHZ, Phunwin, all you Corgi's out there, we're in for a fun ride. And by fun, I mean this is going to fucking suck.

8:14 - Bradley "He's not a physical player. He relies all on his skill"

That's bad?

8:16 - Chia "Does that sound familiar"

Bradley "Yeah, it does. He's a star player, there's no doubt, but does he fit with our culture"

GET IT!? HE'S A... STAR PLAYER! Seriously, get fucked 30+ goal scorer, we don't like your kind!

8:33 - Chia on phone w/ Horton's agent "I'm looking at the twitterverse"

HE LIKES US!

8:44 - Chia "are you spreading the word that Horty's done?"

A walrus looks on, dismayed

8:52 - Zoom into Chia's eyes as they well up with tears

8:56 - Indecisive zoom into Neely, wait, no, a coffee mug. No, Neely. Now into his ear, through the canal into the inner workings of his mind

9:00 - Conclusive news arrives that Horton saw some zoo animals and doesn't want to be a Bruin anymore. Chiarelli openly weeps

9:12 - The entire Bruins front office shares a moment of silence for a guy that has never exceeded 62 points in a season at anytime in his career. Move on to next order of business: trading that 21yr old fucker who had the nerve to be better than Horton.

9:26 - Narrator calls Bruins brass a "brain trust." Not sure that's the right term.

10:00 - Bradley "I just think there's too many red flags on him. He has a lot of talent, we know that. He should be scoring"

DING DING DING. And there we have it, worst fears confirmed: At least some of the B's "brain trust" traded him based on their utter lack of understanding of percentages and regression, overreacting to unsustainable lows. Good times, man, good times.

10:20 - Bradley "He hasn't proven that he's tough enough or plays our style of game"

Our style = hittin dudes. Scoring optional

10:21 - Neely ponders whether he should grow a mustache. Decides he would exude too much manliness. Opts for a soul patch.

10:40 - Neely "There's a couple issues from my perspective. There's the on ice and off ice. On the ice, he certainly has all kinds of skill, but I don't care what age you are. You're three years into the league and you should have some improvement in the areas that I know the coaching staff has talked to him about. And it's a little slower than it should be because they're areas that it's difficult to get into in this game"

Convinced that cameras are everywhere, recording his every move, Neely speaks in circles while sending a coded message through body language about hotels, security guards and shirtlessness.

11:48 Chiarelli like, y'know, like really likes this player and, like wants to ask him to, y'know, get traded for Seguin. I mean, only if he's like, totally into it and maybe a 2nd rounder er whatevs.

12:18 - Narrator "It was coming, and soon" Cut to fireworks

Sly boots NESN, you dirty birds

12:29 - First mention of Rich Peverley

12:29.5 - Last mention of Rich Peverley. Ever.

12:50 - HEY GUYS! IT'S LOUI ERIKSSON! FORGET ABOUT THAT OTHER GUY! LOOK A LOUI! WHAT OTHER GUY!? LOUI! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU'RE REFERRING TO! LOUI!

13:30 - Propaganda continues

14:00 - Neely to Eriksson "No offense to where you came from"

Neely starts an international incident by dissing Sweden. Makes amends by drafting nothing but Swedes.

14:29 - Loui has no idea who Neely is

14:55 - Loui smirks as he follows through on his bet to drop as many double entendres as he possibly can during an interview.

15:27 - Eriksson gives no shits.

15:31 - Eriksson, surveying the Garden. "It's nice...Black and Yellow"

RUN HIM OUT OF TOWN! BURN THE WITCH!

18:00 - Holy fuck this is getting dull

18:36 - Cue highlight reel of a guy who hits and fights

YOU LIKE THIS GUY! LUCIC IS BRUINS. BRUINS ARE LUCIC seguinsucks HIT MORE SHIT seguintoosoft LUCIC LUUUUUCIC LOOOOOOOOOOCHEEEEEEEEEEEECH

19:44 - ugh, too much baby, too much human interest. Fast forwarding

23:00 - Enter Iggy. In case you forgot, to recap: Seguin traded to fit Horton. Horton doesn't sign. Iginla signed to replace Horton. Ergo, Seguin traded so a 36 year old could be signed. QED

23:07 - Iginla's form during his blowfish impression exercises is top notch

23:53 - Iginla talks about choosing Pittsburgh. He called the Bruins losers. He totally did. Just watch the tape. He only likes the new hotness. The second we lose, peace, he's out.

25:03 - Iginla " I want to come and be myself. I don't think I'm extremely vocal or extremely quiet"

LEADERSHIP!

25:09 - "I'll play the way they play. Be physical and aggressive."

On to prospect camp:

27:08 - Chia "I'm Peter Chiarelli and I'm your General Manager"

Between his haggard appearance and the ease with which he delivers this intro, Chia appears to have spent some time in church basement meetings

27:57 - Malcolm Subban gutterball "I just set myself up for a spare"

He's "brash" just like his brother. Better not see any triple low fives. Only serious, personality-less guys in Boston. Oh, and hitting.

On to the many talents of Strength and Conditioning Coach John Whitesides. Obviously he's got strength and conditioning down, but also:

29:26 - "When a guy does something for you, say thank you. They're not your fucking maid."

John Whitesides, Etiquette instructor

29:31 - "I'm dying to punish you guys"

John Whitesides, Dominatrix

29:40 - Gryzelck "He's kind of a hands on kinda guy"

John Whitesides, Sex Offender

30:00 - Whitesides "The only difference between a 1st rounder and a 7th rounder is the first rounder knew where he was going sooner.

Weeeeell, most of the time there's also that whole talent thing.

This Full Metal Jacket remake with Rob Cordry as the drill instructor is really weird

31:19 "Right now, everybody thinks you can play. But how you handle yourself for the next [few] years, it can change on you. If you're a guy that doesn't want to do the work off the ice. If you're a guy that wants to party and fuck around, that's going to start adding up."

SEGUIIIIIIN WAS A BAAAAAD SEEEEEEED

33:45 - Non-stop drills. Editor went on lunch break

34:00 - Exit interviews. Platitudes. I'm going on lunch break

36:23 - The snakes are loose again.

37:15 - Anthony Camara exit interview. Prepare your raincoat for NESN jizzing themselves over his toughness.

38:10 - Did they even hire an editor?

38:25 - TUUUUUUKKKKKAAAA

38:42 - Tuukka on golf: "It's a great workout if you're a hockey player"

Well, good practice if you're a Hab anyway.

38:45 - After nearly a decade playing hockey in North America, the only words David Krejci has picked up in English are "pretty cool"