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29 Teams We Hate: Detroit Red Wings

The most garbage team and city in all of the Flortheast. And the Flortheast includes Buffalo!

Tim Fuller-USA TODAY Sports

Similar to the Blackhawks, there is not nearly enough hate in this world for the Detroit Red Wings. A team that employs douchenozzles like Todd Bertuzzi and noted...whatever this is like Pavel Datsyuk, is coached by a guy who looks like the green goblin from Spiderman, and plays in what is essentially a garbage dump of an arena rivaling the terribleness of Nassau, should not be as vaunted and exalted by Bruins fans as they currently are. So let's get our hate on.

We'll start with their city.

Now, I know that no matter what I say about their decrepit, run-down city, Detroit fans will find some way to cry about it. But if you think about it - that is such the epitome of their fanbase. Hardly any of them actually LIVE in Detroit city limits (find a Red Wings fan. Ask them where they're from. I bet you anything they're from like Ann Arbor or Ypsilanti or any number of other non-Detroit Michigan locales that you can hear about in a variety of Sufjan Stevens songs) and yet they all leap to whine and cry at you if you dare to invoke the fact that the city might as well be a war zone. It's sort of like how if you dare to mention that the team's getting old and broken-down, they wave their Stanley Cups around and deny everything.

Tin hats for everyone!

In addition to that, there's their disgusting tradition of throwing octopi on the ice when they score goals - which, as with everything else Red Wings related, is outdated and stupid. For one thing, it no longer takes eight playoff wins to take the Stanley Cup, and hasn't in approximately forever. Second of all, octopi is delicious and you are wasting valuable resources. Third, how frickin' hard is it to sneak an octopus into an arena? Probably about 100,000,000 times easier than, say, sneaking in a shark with an octopus sewn into its mouth. All the creativity points to you, San Jose. Detroit, you're boring. No points awarded, and may god have mercy on your souls.

Detroit are also basically the Habs of the former West in how their fans tend to invade other buildings. Did you see how many Detroit fans were on hand to see their team curbstomp Malcolm Subban and the Bruins last week? Yeah, that's sort of sad.

The Red Wings as a team are also stupid. First of all, they ruined the Bruins' win streak the year after they won the Cup - on Black Friday 2011, they beat the Bruins in a shootout, changing the streak from "haven't lost in a million years" to "haven't lost IN REGULATION in a million years." I hate caveats.

Second of all, the Flortheast as a whole is going to get a nasty introduction to two douchebags running around the ice for Detroit - Justin Abdelkader and Steffan (Staffan? Stefan? Niklas? Whatever, SWEDEN) Kronwall. Ever hear of getting "Kronwalled?" Charlie Coyle has.

At some point, people will stop glorifying Kronwall's borderline high-hits. Probably when he actually kills someone. And when this happens, Detroit fans will probably still be losing their minds slobbering over the hit itself.

Haha so funny.

That last one is a particular gem.

Third of all, how much did they whine to get the league to actually approve realignment so they ended up in the East? What a bunch of losers. Can't beat up on the West every year, figured they'd try their luck against the East. Well newsflash, Dead Wings: the Flortheast isn't taking your arrival lightly. Fuckers.