29 Teams We Hate: Colorado Avalanche

There are teams that are easy to hate (Montreal, Philly, eh, you get the idear). There are teams that are hard to hate (TBL…uh, the Ducks?). And then there are teams that you play one or twice a year and LITERALLY only remember because Boston’s favorite son played for them for a grand total of two years (and won a Cup there, damn it all to hell).

Today’s Avs day, y’all.

Reason Number One to Hate the Avalanche: Lack of the letter “s” at the end of their name. It’s just flat-out awkward to say.

Reason Number Two to Hate the Avalanche: They’re the Nordiques. And at the same time, they’re not. And that sucks, because the Nordiques were great (or so I’m told…kinda before my time), even if the proposed jersey for the season that would’ve come after their last was hideous.

Reason Number Three to Hate the Avalanche: Darcy Tucker played for them. As in, Darcy Tucker; little [insert rhyme here]. Need I go on?

Reason Number Four to Hate the Avalanche: How far and fast they fell. Tailspin’s a good word for that. Also, train wreck. This isn’t the Avs as they used to be with a decade of sold out games and stacked rosters with names like Forsberg and Roy and Sakic and—who could ever forget???—Bourque. Their roster now is pretty much crap due to owners that care more about their other teams (they own the Rams and Nuggets, guys) than the Avs and have admitted it, plain and simple. And if there’s anything I hate from an owner, it’s unwillingness to spend money to put a good team together.

Reason Number Five to Hate the Avalanche: No heart. #SuckForSeth just hurts me, partially because I naïvely like to believe that teams always want to do their best, and partially because I grew up rooting for the team that I’m more than willing to bet prides itself on heart more than anything else.

Reason Number Six to Hate the Avalanche: The “Bang-Bang Dance”. /cue melting eyes (and not in a good way)

Reason Number Seven to Hate the Avalanche: (#)Landeskoging. It’s like planking, but with Swedes. On their faces. On the ice.

Reason Number Eight to Hate the Avalanche: Their color scheme. “Burgundy” and “hockey” should not ever be together in the same sentence unless it is this sentence.

Reason Number Nine to Hate the Avalanche: They were part of the evil plot to separate MacKinnon and Drouin. It’s true and we all know it, so let’s stop skating the issue.

Reason Number Ten to Hate the Avalanche: Noooooo finish as of late. OH HAI, YEAH WE’VE GOT SEMYON VARLAMOV AND WE’RE GONNA START OUT THE YEAR AH-MAZINGLY AND THEN WE’LL PLUMMET BACK INTO OBSCURITY AND YOU’LL FORGET ABOUT US. AGAIN. (Why are the Colorado Avalanche like the postal service? Both wear uniforms and don’t deliver.)

Reason Number Eleven to Hate the Avalanche: An Avalanche jersey costs more than a ticket to an Avalanche home game. Because they suck, tickets are cheap. Like, dirt cheap. Like, one American dollar on StubHub cheap. /headdesk

Reason Number Twelve to Hate the Avalanche: Technical difficulties. They don’t have a website, since they can’t string three “W”’s together. And finally…

Reason Number Lucky Thirteen to Hate the Avalanche: What’s the difference between a bucket of shit and the Colorado Avalanche?

That’d be the bucket.