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Rumor Mill: Why Does Claude Loathe Ryan Spooner?


Harry How

Saying that Ryan Spooner needs to improve defensively gets boring after a while. So, even if that is the reason Claude Julien and his CSKA Red Army hockey tactics decide to return Spooner to Providence, and unleash a whirlwind of bitching, moaning and "FIRE THE BALD MAN, NOW" reactions on Twitter, upon David Krejci's return, just know that we here at Cup of Chowder think there's more to it than just "defense".

An entire staff of bloggers won't turn into a midweek drama that revolves around defense, and stars Tom Selleck as a talking turtle named Buckwheat. We like excitement. We like drama. We like making lists of ridiculous nonsense when we're eating a peanut butter and fluff sandwich. We are Stanley Cup of Chowder, dammit.

With that in mind, enjoy this list of possible reasons why Claude hates the Spooner!

Spooner Plays The Curb Your Enthusiasm Theme Whenever Claude Walks Into The Room (Via Sean Hathaway)

This song is the tuba music for fat people of bald men.

Spooner Pissed In The Cornflakes. Again. (Via Gus Booth)

I don't know if this is an actual reference to something that occurred on Behind The B, and finding a video of someone urinating into a bowl of cereal is tough to come by. So just watch this instead.

Spooner Has An Imaginary Friend Named Plunger Pat

Whether it stems from a childhood fear of falling into the john or perhaps due to his inability to mingle with the socialites of the Bruins locker room, the possibility that Spooner has developed an imaginary friend isn't all that farfetched. And can you blame Claude from not wanting a social outcast like Spooner, mumbling and air-high-fiving his way to a roster spot over not-imaginary-friend-haver Gregory Campbell? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Enjoy this gif of Campbell jumping into a pool with someone who actually exists.

Claude Thinks Ryan Spooner Is Tyler Seguin

He's supposed to be in Dallas, but this Fall Tyler Seguin returns to Boston in "Wait a Minute, Didn't We Trade You For A Swede?" Starring Ryan Spooner as "Tyler Seguin" and Paul Giamatti as "Claude Julien".

"You god damn kids get off my fourth line!"

Spooner Owes Money To The Taiwanese Mafia

I mean, we don't follow the kid around all summer so it's tough to say what he could/could not be doing with his free time. Who are we to say that he doesn't visit Taiwan for two weeks every July, walk around Taipei dressed like a Pilgrim and play high-stakes blackjack with the Taiwanese Mafia? For all we know he could owe millions of dollars in gambling debts under the alias "Claude Julien".

Spooner's Dad Is A Magician Who Makes His Son Appear to Be A Good Hockey Player, But In Reality He Isn't

Maybe there's a reason Spooner's birth certificate reads "Ryan One-Way-Forward Copperfield". And I HIGHLY doubt that reason is a typo. When you take into account that Claude's impervious to magic, it makes sense that Copperfield's tricks can't get his son regular minutes in the NHL.

Claude's Mother Threw Away His Favorite Pair Of Denim Jeans In 1973, Causing The Head Coach To Struggle With The Concept Of Change

They had holes in the knees and all the kids at school called him "The Big Bad Bitch". Claude had it all, of course, until that fateful day when his mother threw his "Big Bad Bitch" denims out.  Now, like the kid from art class who picked his noise and screamed "FALCON DAN I LOVE YOUR SOCKS!", he would be forced to wear regular jeans.

Claude soon found that regular jeans lacked the grit and toughness of his dumpster-bound-denims, and a few physiologist's I emailed said they'd like to arrange a followup meeting with me to discuss some of my own issues, but that's not to say they don't agree with my theory. In fact, they didn't say anything to argue against it, so it's viable. 
Spooner, much like Claude's pair of normal jeans was, is widely accepted by the general population as a "good hockey player." And sadly, Spooner will likely suffer the same unwarranted fate as Claude's perfectly fine normal jeans - which were cast aside for sweatpants and a series of superhero themed one-z flannel pajamas (the Campbell and Bobby Robins, respectively, of below-waist attire).

Here is a commercial for sweatpants because why not?

This article is over. Go read a book or something.