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Better Know a Dumb Jerk: Daniel Alfredsson

Whatup Macklemore
Whatup Macklemore

Due to certain criticisms about our trolling job here, and the fact that the Sens (we're canadian!) and the Red Wings (we're old!) are basically the two most boring teams in the league, we decided to bring in an expert to discuss Daniel Alfredsson. What follows was written by Ryan Classic, Avalanche/Senators fan and Silver Seven Sens emeritus.

Daniel Alfredsson is a big dumb jerk, and I can prove it: he plays for Detroit. He’s also probably friends with Todd Bertuzzi.

Do you know why Daniel Cleary wears 71 now? Because Daniel Alfredsson, BDJ, took his number. Cleary takes some time to negotiate a contract, and mister big shot Old Redder comes in and says, "Hey, is the Cleary’s stall still warm? No, don’t bother changing the number on the locker. Dibs." Typical.

Did you know he had more points than the Most Valuable Gustav? Sure, Alfredsson played more games than MVG Nyquist, but he’s also approximately 80 times older. Wouldn’t a real Hart candidate be able to outduel an old man like… wait, you already did the Nyquist article. Whoops.

Back to Alfredsson. Let’s talk +/-. His +/- was lower than Riley Sheahan’s, and nobody even knows what the heck a Riley Sheahan is.

Do you know why Sweden didn’t win a gold medal at the Olympics? [Ed note: Because Per-Johan Axelsson wasn't playing.] Everyone but Nicklas Backstrom wasn’t trying hard enough to cheat. Where was Alfredsson, a so-called leader, when only Backstrom was taking allergy meds? Why wasn’t he hopping down to the local Ригла to get his teammates in on that action?

You can bet that Zdeno Chara would’ve had the whole Slovakian team doped up on allergy meds for the entire tournament.

This is for a Bruins blog, though. So let’s try some Bruins stuff. Alfredsson led the Red Wings in scoring. His 49 points were one more than the Bruins’ Carl Soderberg - who finished SEVENTH in scoring on Boston. He also could’ve signed with Boston this summer. Instead he decided screw that, I hate Chris Kelly. That forced the Bruins to sign Jarome Iginla instead. What a bust, right?

Oh, and he also abandoned his former team, adopted home city, and a legion of fans to go play in a city that even Americans like to pretend doesn’t exist. Seriously, Detroit, that city boy is on a midnight train going literally anywhere other than Detroit. Er, I mean, Daniel Alfredsson is a dumb jerk.

Thanks again for the input, Ryan!