When I was four years old I thought there was a vampire on the roof of the apartment building I, at that time, lived in. I called for my dad and he came into my room. "What's the matter?" he asked. "There's a vampire on the roof," I said. He yawned, looked at me and said, "Is his name Marco and did he tell you he was from Lisbon?" I didn't know what any of that meant, so I nodded. My father took a jar from the kitchen, opened it and covered my bed in garlic. Then he went back to bed. I couldn't sleep that night because of the overly strong odor emitting from all of the garlic. I saw on the news the next night that Marco went to another house and tried stealing an electric scooter from an old man. I'm starting to think he wasn't a vampire and was actually a drifter.
People need to stop complaining about Kevan Miller. He broke Joe Vitale's face two weeks ago -- when was the last time large Captain Zdeno Chara broke someone's face? I'll tell ya, it was in 2007! That's 8 years ago! What a bum. For $7 million dollars he should be breaking faces every week. Guy is slower than a snail that's been run over by a mail truck, too. Trade him for a can of peanuts and get a real tough as nails guy like Dion Phanuef. That kids a winner.
Tuukka Rask is a bum. Any goalie could make shutouts with this team, so why are we in an uproar after Monday's shutout against the Phoenix Roadrunners? They're a defunct IHL team for Christs sake. My grandmother, who was a helluva softball player in her day, could have shut them out. They should trade Rask for a good player like Ryan Miller. He's an American so you know he'll do the job right and on top of what I just wrote a few words ago he's a winner. How many Silver medals does Rask have from the Olympics? The answer is as follows -- NONE! Why? BECAUSE HE IS A BUM!
Zac Rinaldo...boy o boy I do not where to even start when talking about the best off-season acquisition this team made. I'll try though. And here it goes: I think this kid is the bees knees. That hit he made against the softy Flyers and that frenchie Shawn Cootsorier was unbelievable. It was definitely a charging penalty, but he stayed on his feet and launched into that son of a bitch like a rocket being fired out of a rocket launcher and into the great blue sky. It was beautiful. Claude and his bald head should play him with Bergeron and Marchand. He'd score 25 goals easy. Rinaldo is a fast skater and his best asset is being a balls to the walls badass, something this team needs more of. Kids a winner.
The Two Thumbs Down Dummy Of The Week
My Cousin Trenchcoat Tommy who told me these hideous pieces of garbage would be the Bruins winter classic jerseys. Way to be wrong, not to mention 35 minutes late to your own mother's birthday party on Monday night! What a bum.
For those asking, no, these are not the winter classic jerseys. There isn't even an Oliver on the god damn team pic.twitter.com/Xh5rW8N8at— StanleyCup ofChowder (@cupofchowdah) October 23, 2015
A Picture of Hollywood Legend Tim Allen
Trade Proposal Of The Week
Pittsburgh Gets: Ryan Spooner, 2016 2nd RD Pick, That Zane kid who plays goaltender for a living and, reluctantly, Adam McQuaid
Boston Gets: Sidney Crosby, Beau Bennett Conditional 3rd Pick in 2017, 7th RD Pick in 2019
Why it makes sense: Crosby is awful now but he'll be really good again with the Bruins. Trust me, I have a hunch. Even if he's soft and not a grit guy, he'll be okay playing with good players like David Krejci and Matt Beleskey.
Pittsburgh is panicking and looking for a good defenseman. The Bruins have one they can trade and his first name is Adam and his last name is McQuaid. I don't really want to trade a tough and gritty guy like McQuaid because he exemplifies what it means to be a Bruins player but if we're getting Crosby AND a prospect of Bennett's caliber back I guess it's okay. Throw in Spooner so Pittsburgh doesn't lose all of its offense and then the draft pick and Zaney Brainy will not only help land Bennett, who is really good in NHL 14, but help us get the two draft picks.
The second round pick the Bruins trade will be lottery protected meaning they get it back if Crosby plays too soft and the Bruins don't win a cup. Hopefully they play him with Rinaldo.
Get back to work, moron! You can't read all day or else how are you going to pay for your whole foods lettuce? Think about it.