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The #GRIT Corner: Soft-Serve Segan and Overpaid Kelly Breaks Himself Edition

You can take your precious hat trik and beautiful hair and shove it where the sun does not shine, softy mc soft-soft.

Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

Anecdotal Introduction:

I was on my bike yesterday, riding through campus -- a campus where I frequently fight people because I am tough like Shawn Thornton -- when I noticed that my iPod only had 5% battery remaining. "How am I going to listen to Rush?" I pondered, realizing I had to find an outlet fast. So I rode my bike to the library, locked it up outside although I shouldn't bother because if someone tried to take it I would beat them up in a fight because I am Shawn Thornton tough, and went inside to charge it.

I bought a coffee while my phone charged and chit-chatted about my Statistics class with a young woman who told me her name and it is the following: Karen. Karen was a Flyers fan though, so when she asked if I wanted to grab a drink sometime I told her to buzz off and that the Bruins were going to win a Stanley Cup every year until I die.

Soft-Serve Segan:

Do you like my nickname for Tyler Segan? ha ha, I came up with it all by myself. I am implying that he is soft, like ice cream. It is not hard to understand, just like it is not difficult for people to understand that the Bruins traded him because he is not Bruins tough and is in fact soft, like ice cream. I have mentioned this already, please follow along.

Did you see him Tuesday night -- he did not fight once. He did not hit another player once. If he had to battle for a puck along the boards I could hear him scream "please don't touch my beautiful handsome face I am Tyler Segan do you remember me? We used to be friends please don't hit my nice face" from my living room. And I live in Vermont.

I am glad we got Jimmy Hayes out of the Tyler Segan deal. He is a tall American-born guy from Massachusetts so you know that he's cream-of-the-crop tough and not a cry-baby who cries like a baby when he is not allowed into the Cask N Flagan. Remember when Tyler Segan did that? Me too. It was pathetic and not very Bruins of him. I bet Zdeno Chara was pissed and texted him about it.

And for your softies who think Segan would be scoring here -- he wouldn't. He does not play defense and Claude would hate him. He is so bad defensively that I used to call him Dennis Wideman. ha ha burn. I am feeling it tonight people.

Defense Men Still Not Tough Enough

If you asked Joey Morrow to fight a pillow, the pillow would win. I've seen overcooked hot dogs tougher than this clown. Get me another Kevan Miller in the lineup ASAP. Killer Miller as I call him is as tough as they come. Morrow is busy dancing around out there and getting goals scored on him all the time. Killer Miller is getting tripped and concussed in his head and still playing.

How many other players would have hit the boards that hard and stayed in the game? I'll tell you -- none or maybe Shawn Thornton. The ladder is no longer a Bruin though and Killer Miller is so I think it's safe to say Killer is becoming my favorite player.

God he's so tough and his ripped physique reminds me of my old college roommate who used to go swimming in the middle of the night. I used to recite poetry to him through my upstairs window until he stopped swimming because he got too drunk one night and stole a shopping cart and filled it with fireworks and set it off in the living room. We were evicted the next day and it was a real bummer.

Zach Trotman did a lot of pull-ups, give him a shot. Maybe he can bring some toughness, unlike Queen Morrow and his wrist shots and no defense style of play.

Chris Kelly Is Broken And It's His Leg That Is The Reason Why

Chris Kelly's legs are to staying healthy what his contract is to being financially worthy of making the money he is being paid to make as a contracted NHL athlete.

Yeah.

Also he can't score and his first name is also the name of my first cat and I fucking hated that cat.

I am not advocating that this is good for bad players for when they break their leg but I am also not disappointing the Bruins will now have all of his $3 million to spend on a better scorer of goals. Imagine how good this team would be if they got former 30 goal scorer Scott Hartnell or brought back Milan Lucic?

Think about it.

Lucic is really good and I never liked that trade to begin with. He was the heart and souls of this team and poof like a magicians trick he was gone and in Los Angeles where they don't even know what fighting is. They support soft players like Alex Martinez and David Dowtey. Lame is what those fans are.

Lucic would be cheap too cause Don Sweeny thought ahead and is already paying half his salary. ha ha wonder if the Kings know that? Not so smart after all are they, cause Don has tricked them and is probably planning on bringing Lucic back. God that would be the ultimate heighsts.

Two Thumbs Down Dummy Of The Week:

This weeks award goes to Chris Kelly's leg. ha ha just kidding that would be too mean. It actually goes to Tuukka Rask for letting Tyler Segan score three goals and get a hat trick on Tuesday night at the TD Garden. Tuukka really stinks, you know that. Jonas Gustavson would never allow a hat trick to a guy as arrogant and soft as Tyler Seguin.

Fan Of The Week:

Our fan of the week is the friend of the girl who Tyler Segan made cry. She doesn't care that she just saw Tyler Segan and she shouldn't, because he's not good. Keep texting and ignoring young lady. You clearly know bad talent when you are in its presence.

GIF Of The Week:

ha ha what is this guy even doing besides making a total fool of himself on national tv during the Predators game the other night. That hat is too big for his head and he looks dumb imo.

Parting Thought:

The Bruins are going to be okay if they get a goalie who doesn't allow as many bad goals as Tuukka Rask. God Rask is a disaster when they need him to not be. Ugh.

See you next week!