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Bruins continue run of late-season choke jobs, qualify for NHL playoffs

Playoff hockey? What on earth are these idiots thinking?

NHL: Tampa Bay Lightning at Boston Bruins
Patrice Bergeron would have been better off throwing the puck into his own god damn net to help secure a high draft pick.
Greg M. Cooper-USA TODAY Sports

I’m probably the smartest hockey writer in the world. No, pardon me, galaxy. My knowledge transcends time, so listen up: The Boston Bruins choked last night.

Yes, that’s right, a 4-0 thumping of the Tampa Bay Lightning to clinch a playoff berth for the first time in 2 years is a monumental mistake, one that could delay the Bruins on-the-fly rebuild by up to zero whole days.

Hear me out, here. The Bruins prospect pipeline is flush with budding, young talent. Qualifying for the playoffs right now, in the 2016-2017 season, prevents these players from a chance at earning a roster spot in 2017-2018. It’s very simple math. Really, it is.

If the Bruins hadn’t choked, yet again, they’d be in a much better position — picking somewhere around 12th in the NHL draft. This 12th pick is a tremendous asset to have, as every team that has ever picked 12th has gone on to select a future star and win the Stanley Cup. I have an IQ of 476.

One could argue the Bruins trip to the postseason gives valuable experience to youngsters such as Brandon Carlo, Colin Miller, David Pastrnak and Frank Vatrano (health permitting). But such an argument is erroneous; Look at the 2008-2009 Chicago Blackhawks, who rode Patrick Kane, Jonathan Toews and a roster of 265 games worth of zero playoff experience, to the Western Conference Finals, before getting their doors blown off by the Detroit Red Wings.

If Kane and Toews were able to find postseason success without having previously played in the playoffs, it’s clearly the standard for all young players. “Playoff experience” is a scam invented by the Zionist elites of Hollywood, after all.

A once promising Dynasty has crumbled, to the point where qualifying for the playoffs leads to excitement throughout a mouth-breathing fanbase that frequents the same Papa Gino’s that I do.

Tanking until you’ve constructed a top-6 caliber NHL team isn’t too much to ask for, is it? After all, that’s the only time a team is worthy of competing for the Stanley Cup, at least in my eyes.

Being 2nd in 5v5 possession means nothing when looking to predict playoff success. Hell, there’s never been a second-place 5v5 possession team with a mid-season coaching chance to reach the Stanley Cup Finals.*

*The Pittsburgh Penguins actually conquered this feat last season, but they are not the 2008-2009 Chicago Blackhawks so they do not exist in my mind, IMO.

Regardless of the very obvious chance Boston has to win a round or two come playoff time, their idiotic qualification is, well, idiotic. They’d be better suited picking a few spots higher in the draft, somewhere in the early teens — an area they’ve never done something stupid before.

With Christ as my witness, the Bruins will regret this playoff appearance for years to come. Just think of how this will prevent Jakob-Forsbacka Karlsson, Charlie McAvoy and other prospects from playing next season.

No, really, think of a reason getting into the playoffs will do so, because I can’t. My foots stuck in the village toaster again and I can’t think of a legitimate reason why Boston’s prospects won’t have a chance at earning playing time next year.

Nolan Cardwell is a descendant of The Lord and has been placed on Earth to inform the not-as-intelligent public about hockey. When Nolan was 5, he called into a radio program and explained the meaning of life. Two weeks later, he was on the cover of Time Magazine and had a 30-minute standup special debut on HBO. Nolan’s IQ is infinity and his sexual conquests have been described by the Worcester Telegram as “better than that feeling when your head hits the pillow” and “so utopic in nature and pleasure I imagined I was resting my head on a soft pillow after a long day at the docks.”

You can reach Nolan by praying to him and leaving $13 worth of chestnuts and two empty David’s Sunflower Seeds buckets underneath your front porch.