Tuesday night was a rough one for the Bruins, as the Lightning blasted them out of Amalie Arena in Tampa in a 4-0 drubbing, leaving the two powerhouses tied atop the Eastern Conference standings with 110 points each.
Following the game, a vocal contingent of Bruins fans elected to haul goaltender Tuukka Rask across the state of Florida to Kennedy Space Center at Cape Canaveral, where he was strapped to a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket and summarily ejected from Earth’s atmosphere.
“He was terrible tonight,” Jimmy from Revere said over the roar of the igniting engines. “Should’ve had three of those goals.”
Rask, who dropped to 34-13-5 on the season after the tough loss, could not be reached for comment due to radio blackout during the launch. The four Lightning goals dropped his save percentage a point to .918. This was the first regulation loss for Rask since a February 24th tilt against the Maple Leafs.
Asked if sending Rask to the vacuum of space may have been an overreaction, Bruins fan Mike from Quincy said “Nah, this is part of a pattern. Tuukka never shows up in big games.” He shielded his eyes from the glare of the exhaust plume. “He was gonna kill our playoff chances.” Pressed that Rask led the Bruins the 2012-13 Stanley Cup Final with a .940 save percentage, Mike wandered off muttering incoherently about Dave Bolland.
NASA released a statement following the launch, reading “Despite having launched another Falcon 9 just two days ago, we felt that Rask’s rough night and the pure vitriol of these fans justified making this launch possible. We at NASA don’t think Rask has the right attitude, and he definitely makes too much money.”
As the rocket hurdled over the Atlantic Ocean and out of view, Stanley Cup of Chowder asked Maureen from Dorchester why Rask was suffering such extreme backlash for a loss in which his team surrendered 33 shots in the first two periods and failed to score a goal. “Doesn’t matter,” she said. “I just like Khudobin more.”
She paused as she watched the first stage separate successfully on YouTube. “He just tries harder, you know?”